According to expert Juliet Allen, sex is one of the most important things in life, and needs to be treated accordingly.
As a sexologist and sex and relationship coach, Juliet Allen believes she was put on this earth to empower others to reach their sexual potential. From her home near Byron Bay, Australia, she Skypes with clients, records her Authentic Sex podcast and is building an all-around sexy empire, where she shares the power of embracing your sensuality through her beautifully curated Instagram and by offering healing crystal pleasure wands and mindful sex guides online.
After an in-conversation evening hosted by Kristine Crabb at the Seafarers Club in Auckland, we were intrigued to know more about the expert’s refreshing approach to having great sex. In an over-the-phone conversation, she spoke about the power of connecting with yourself, both in life and in the bedroom.
Here are 5 main things I learned:
1. New flash: Sex is totally normal
If we think back to our own sexual education, most of us can admit that our own awkwardness, and the teacher’s awkwardness, around the topic of copulation left a lot to be desired. Even later in life, I choose wisely which friends I think will be open enough to talk about ‘it’. We’re surely all doing it, but how can we learn about such an important part of our lives if it can be embarrassing to discuss?
“We’re not getting the sex education we should be getting as kids or as adults,” says Juliet. “Culturally and collectively there is so much taboo around sex talk and being sexual.”
“I just see it as another thing we do every day. I go for a walk every morning, and I have sex every morning,” she continues. “Sex should be normalised. It’s a normal, natural and beautiful thing. Sex is such a great part of life. It can lead to such a connection with yourself and everyone.”
2. You have to be open
Intercourse is the most intimate of acts and can naturally make us feel vulnerable. But, according to Juliet, if you pay attention to your own sexual health and wellbeing, you’ll soon be able to let go.
“When we have sex, it stirs something up and when it’s with someone else, we can’t escape that. We have to be present,” explains Juliet. “Intimacy is scary. You have to be fully seen, you have to fully open your heart.”
3. The main issues focus around libido — and guilt.
Juliet says the common problems her clients come to her with are mismatched libidos and the shame and guilt surrounding sex. Often the root cause of this is based on our upbringing, which is influenced by our parent’s upbringing – a flow on effect that likely stops us from being curious about how we can have even better sex.
“There’s a lot of guilt around sex because of religion,” she says. “Even if you didn’t think you grew up in a religious household, your mum and dad may say something they picked up during their upbringing.”
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Sex, real-life sex, isn’t always 10/10 ecstasy and pleasure. When opening our body, heart and consciousness to someone else, stuff can come up for us. Shame. Guilt. Fear. Deep core wounds. Doubts. We can get so stuck in our head that our body numbs out. We can literally freeze due to sex triggering past trauma and fear. Sex brings up all sorts of emotions – quite possibly one moment you can be feeling 10/10 joy, the next you are feeling 10/10 anger. It’s okay to feel everything. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to stop sex at ANY TIME and request a cuddle. Or request space. It’s okay to not want sex all the time. It’s okay to show deep emotion during sex. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Choose who you share yourself with very carefully. I’m not saying don’t have a really good time ‘trying before you buy’. I’m also not saying you need to wait ‘til you meet the ‘perfect’ person. Sleep with as many people as you want! But choose fucking cool people who respect you, honour you and come from a space of love. When you do, I guarantee your sex life will evolve and you’ll feel safer to say NO, and safer to say YES. And safer to be your authentic self in and out of the bedroom. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Happy weekend! Juliet xo ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Artist // @alexandria_coe
4. It’s important that both men and women work on this together
When talking about female pleasure, it seems natural to talk about the women who are creating a safe space for sex to be talked about. However, what’s most important in these discussions is inclusivity. We’re talking about something that affects everyone, after all.
“I don’t think it matters what gender is leading the conversation. So long as the conversation is being had,” says Juliet.
5. Find pleasure everywhere
One of the main things I learnt from Juliet, is that in order to have a great sex life, you just need to be living a great life. Her holistic approach encourages us to connect with ourselves and live authentically in all aspects.
A great way to connect with ourselves is to find out the little things that give us pleasure every day – she suggests taking the time to feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, listen to our favourite songs or running a hot bath. If we take time to find this, it’s likely we’ll also find time to explore and connect sexually.
“Self-pleasure is where a great sex life begins.”
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You want great sex, but do you enjoy a great life?? Great sex begins with choosing to create a great life – great relationships (not just with lovers, with everyone), great home life, great health, great work life, great attitude around money … feeling turned on in all areas of life directly impacts our libido and our openness to connection and love. So, are you enjoying life in general? If you’re not, it’s okay, I have something for you that will support you in creating the life you love. And if you are loving life, then where can you enjoy it EVEN MORE (because hey, there’s always room for more fun, more joy, more purpose!) ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ THE MINDFUL SEX GUIDE is my new online course and it launches October 31st! And it’s ALL about creating a life that turns you on … a life that supports great sex every day. It’s for women AND men, singles AND couples! Stay tuned, first 10 people to join will receive an amazing gift! More details coming soon! Love, Juliet xo ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #themindfulsexguide
Pick up Fashion Quarterly Issue 2, 2019 to read more about the rise of the sex-positive movement.