Culture

A basic bitch’s official guide to wine

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Yes way rosé

It’s Friday night. You’re at a restaurant with a wine menu as long as your arm and a hot Tinder date expecting you to impress.

Shit! You’ve talked a big game so far but this babe is about to find out you’re as clueless as it gets. Don’t worry, girl – we’ve got you covered. Presenting, the ultimate blagger’s guide to wine (so you can sound anything but basic).

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Descriptions that will make you sound smart:

Throw these bad boys around and lap up the appreciative glances.

Oaky/nutty
When wine has seen wood (not as weird as it sounds) it can have a smoky or toast-y taste. Mostly found in Chardonnay and Pinot Noir.

Full-bodied/round
You’ll know a full-bodied wine because it’ll be packed with flavour and have a lot more grunt. When you encounter one, close your eyes and murmur “mmm… round”. Extra points if you can do it with an accent.

Grassy
Think freshly mowed lawn. Grassy is almost always a sauvy-b descriptor.

Floral
A pretty wine with lots of floral and garden aromas. Mainly used for – surprise, surprise – aromatic wines and sometimes lighter Pinot Noirs.

Dry
We’ve all heard some wino call out for a “dry white wine” at some bar, somewhere. Our bet is half of them don’t even know that it means no sweetness in the wine whatsoever. A descriptor probably best left to fans of the ‘buttery chard’.

Tobacco/smoky/leather  
Okay so don’t let it put you off, but these characteristics are nearly always created by some ‘funkiness’ in your wine, from yeast or a whole bunch of fermentation. The oak is also partly responsible for imparting such flavours into the wine.

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Words: Kelly McAuliffe
Illustration: Sian Haydon
With thanks to Josh Scott, lead winemaker at Allan Scott Family Winemakers
This article was first published in the launch issue of Miss FQ magazine.
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